Bitching: My anti-drug

(it's a girl thing)

Sunday, November 16, 2003


Wow! I just felt an unmistakable punch from the baby. A couple of times in the past few days I have felt something, but I questioned whether it was actually movement. There was no denying it this time, though!

Weekend update

I have been really slack about posting in here all week. We don't have access to the Internet at work, and our connection at home is so slow that it makes just checking e-mail a real hassle. Plus, this has been a particularly tiring week because I have worked 10 days straight, and that can really take it's toll on you — especially when you are pregnant. But, I am off this weekend, and we leave Friday for Gatlinburg, so there is much R & R to look forward to.

This week has been really stressful because I waited until the last minute to get a wedding dress (Matt and I are getting married on the 22nd of this month). I didn't want to get a dress too early though, because I didn't know how much weight I would have gained by the time of the wedding. I was afraid to estimate wrong and end up with a dress that was too small. As it turns out, now at 21 weeks into pregnancy, according to my doctor I have not gained a single pound. But I'm definitely bigger because I'm wearing maternity clothes almost exclusively now. Go figure. The doctor says that my weight is just shifting right now and that I could very well be one of these women that only gains 10-15 pounds throughout the duration of their pregnancy. Fine by me. Back to the dress issue. There isn't really an abundance of maternity wedding dresses in the bridal shops around town. Most have to be special ordered. And have you even seen a maternity wedding dress before? You're pretty hard pressed to find one that is both pretty and flattering. Sure, I could have always just gotten a regular wedding gown in a larger size and had it altered, but I wasn't really thinking along those lines. Also, I didn't want to spend several hundred dollars on a dress since Matt and I are basically eloping. I finally found something that I absolutely love, but not until after searching the city for days and having a stupid nightmare about getting married in my sweats.

Thursday night we went to our neighborhood homeowner's association meeting. This is the first meeting that's been held since we moved into our house in June. Matt was really looking forward to going, but honestly, I wasn't all that enthused. I only went for the barbecue. Pathetic, I know, but cravings can be a real bitch. The meeting was a real snooze-fest. Shit. How long can you discuss fire hydrants? Apparently, along with the importance of paying fire dues, about an hour and a half. I won't be at the next meeting.

Friday night we went to see Elf. It's a little early for holiday movies, but I'm a huge fan of Will Ferrell, so I had really been looking forward to seeing this. As always, he cracked me up, and we had a great time.

Saturday I slept until a little after noon. I never sleep that late, but as I said earlier, it was my first day off in 10 days, and I was exhausted. I hate sleeping that late, though, because it feels like I've wasted so much of the day. I went to the Galleria that afternoon, but left shortly after I arrived because the mall was packed. Plus, I narrowly missed running into someone that I absolutely cannot stand. Saturday night was another "date" night. We went to Cold Stone Creamery, Zany Brainy, Bed Bath & Beyond, Old Navy, and California Pizza Kitchen — in that order. It was hard to enjoy our pizza after we had stuffed ourselves with ice cream earlier. We had fun though. We bought a couple of cool winter caps, and picked out some really neat toys for the belly bean for when she finally arrives.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

A romantic Saturday night

I've been dying to go to the fair all week. Not for the rides, because I know that I can't ride anything except maybe the ferris wheel. Actually, it was the shit-hole food I was craving. Specifically, chili dogs, funnel cakes, and cotton candy. Every night this past week that we've made the attempt to go to the fair, though, Tony Soprano and his bad-ass cronies won out. We've stayed glued to the TV since we got season 4 of the series. Last night, we were actually in the car on the way to fair, when somehow we decided to instead go to Sonic and watch the lunar eclipse. This seemed like a better idea, and I could still get my chili dog. It was strangely romantic shivering our tails off and sharing french fries while watching the moon. We seemed to be the only ones paying attention to it, though, so Matt decided to point out the eclipse to a woman and 4 children sitting near us. The kids all thought it was a really big deal. Actually, so did I because I had never seen an eclipse. We decided to retreat to our car and watch from there, however, when we looked over and saw a discarded condom a mere 3 feet from our table.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Thank God for modern medicine

According to The Pregnant Couple's Guide to Sex, Romance, and Intimacy...

Ancient doctors has countless recommendations for enhancing fertility including:

  • Drink the saliva of lambs
  • Drink a broth made from the dried and ground up womb of a rabbit
  • Wear earthworms tied to a chain or rope around your neck

    To ward off miscarriage, some women were advised to drink a concoction made from the ashes of a porcupine and apply a light ointment, made from hedgehog fat, on her belly.

    Some unfounded dos and don'ts that carried even into the twentieth century:

  • Pregnant women were told not to sing, because the vibration caused by the voice might hurt the child.
  • Pregnant women were forbidden to swim, waltz, or even walk quickly.
  • Pregnant women were often advised against sitting on swings or rocking chairs, because both of those motions were considered detrimental to the baby.

  • Monday, November 03, 2003

    Don't let this intimidate you, Matt

    Sunday, November 02, 2003

    And yada, yada, yada...

    Matt and I went to see Jerry Seinfeld's stand up performance at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville Friday night. (Too bad for all the trick-or-treaters that came by our house looking for goodies). I was always a huge fan of his show, but he was my least favorite of the cast. His performance kicked ass, though, and we had a great time!

    McDonald turns

    My mother hates to drive. She has been like this for as long as I can remember. In fact, I cannot even recall a single time that she has driven on the interstate. I suppose she is just paranoid of what another motorist may do. God forbid another car change lanes! "Watch him, he might be drunk," she'll say.

    When I was about 6 years old, I remember a time that Mom was driving my cousins and me home from the movies, and we all started raising hell in the back seat because we apparently wanted a Happy Meal. She gave in, hoping to shut us up, and drove us to McDonald's. As she was turning left, oncoming traffic must have been coming a little faster than she realized. So she panics and floors it, jerking the wheel in the big green pimpmobile Buick, somehow causing the car to jump the curb and smash through a couple of bushes. As we coast to a stop in the drive-thru, Mom's in the front seat sweating and cussing, as we kids in the back are cracking up! Little did we know this episode would initiate her fear of left turns. From that day forward, she would refer to them as "McDonald" turns.

    When I turned 16, I became her chauffeur. She would drive to work and back, but anywhere else, it was up to me to do the driving. Naturally, she fell to pieces when I got older and moved out. Since then, I have lived in Southside, Inverness, Adamsville, and Hoover, but my mother has never driven to any of these places to visit me. If I am to see her, I have to bring her to me. This really gets on my nerves because this can sometimes be quite an inconvenience, and it is just a fear I don't understand. She is already worried about how she will get to the hospital when I go into labor. I would be more sympathetic if she were really old, or disabled, or feeble-minded, but she is none of these.

    She called me yesterday to ask if I would drive to her house Monday to take her to the bank to deposit her paycheck. Her co-worker who normally makes deposits for her is out of town. I live about 45 minutes away from my mom. The bank is less than two miles from her house. Turning into the bank, though, requires a "McDonald" turn, so she won't do it. Am I a bitch if I say no? She can always take the long way and make a bunch of right turns instead.

    Thursday, October 30, 2003

    More stupid questions

    I kid you not -- this is a real call I received today...

    Caller: Can you tell me if any of your vets treat lobsters?
    [Surely my ears are playing tricks on me]
    Me: Did you say treat or eat?

    Pink or blue?

    I had my 3rd ultraound this afternoon, and Matt and I were thrilled to find out that we are having a GIRL! Of course, I already knew this though. The color change when I peed into a cup of Drano indicated a girl. The Chinese baby gender predictor indicated a girl. I've had many dreams that I gave birth to a baby girl. So it's a good thing that the ultrasound tech confirmed this, or I probably would have demanded a second opinion. Although, I'm sure I would have been happy with a boy. Over time.

    Wednesday, October 29, 2003

    That thong, tha-thong, thong, thong

    I got the Christmas edition of the Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail today. I don't really know if I think these are cute or not, but I do know they aren't very practical. At $120, I'm sure I wouldn't be wearing these under my scrubs.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm all for wearing sexy lingerie, but we all know that wearing something like this couldn't be comfortable. And for $88, I think this thong should come with a tube of chaffing cream.

    Recipe of the week

    This is for Kara, who suggested that I start a recipe blog. I'll try to post a new recipe or two every week.

    I saw this prepared on one of the shows on Food Network a few weeks ago, and it made me drool. I'm gonna try it out this weekend.

    The Ultimate Meatballs al Forno with Creamy Polenta

    1/2 baguette, crust removed
    1 1/4 cups milk
    1 1/2 pounds ground beef sirloin
    1 1/2 pounds ground pork
    1/2 bunch fresh parsley
    1/2 bunch basil
    2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
    1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus extra for drizzling
    4 eggs
    1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan
    1/3 cup ground pinenuts
    Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
    1 cup dried bread crumbs
    1/2 pound chanterelle mushrooms
    2 pints vine-ripened small tomatoes
    1 medium ball fresh mozzarella
    Creamy Polenta, recipe follows

    Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

    Break the baguette in pieces and soak in a bowl with milk for 10 minutes until the bread is soft. In a second bowl mix the beef and pork together. Twist up half the parsley and the basil into a little pile, roughly chop it and add to the meat. Add garlic and mix thoroughly with your hands. Squeeze the milk out of the bread and add it in small pieces. Add eggs, Parmesan, ground pinenuts, salt, and pepper and mix everything together thoroughly. Shape the meatballs into large patties then roll them in the bread crumbs.

    In a large skillet heat the olive oil over medium high heat until it begins to smoke slightly. Fry the meatballs to seal the crust, flip them over so both sides are done. Transfer to a large baking dish.

    Add a splash of oil to pan and fry the mushrooms on a low heat until they start to caramelize. Cut the tomatoes in 1/2 and hand-crush them into a separate bowl. Drizzle with olive oil. Add salt and a few cranks of fresh cracked pepper and mix. Add to the mushrooms. Let everything simmer together and reduce slightly for about 10 minutes. Pour the tomatoes and mushrooms over the meatballs. Shred the remaining basil and parsley and the mozzarella over it. Drizzle with olive oil and add a few cranks of pepper. Bake for 25 to 35 minutes.

    Serve with Creamy Polenta.

    Creamy Polenta:
    1 quart chicken stock
    1 1/2 cups finely ground cornmeal
    1/4 cup heavy cream
    1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan
    3 tablespoons whole butter
    Pinch sea salt

    In a large saucepan bring the chicken stock to a slow simmer. Quickly whisk the cornmeal into the stock and lower the temperature to keep it from splattering. Stir in the cream, Parmesan, butter, and salt. Turn off the heat and keep in a warm place until the meatballs are ready.

    Yield: 6 servings
    Cooking Time: 15 minutes

    Tuesday, October 28, 2003

    Stupid questions of the day

    Some people shouldn't even be allowed to own a pet. I'm not referring to those people that are cruel or negligent to animals. I'm talking about the dumbasses that I encounter on a regular basis at the animal clinic where I work. Here are just a few of the mentally challenging questions I had to answer today:

    Caller: What brand of dog food do you carry?
    Me: Science Diet and Iams.
    Caller: So does your clinic recommend Science Diet food?
    [No dumbass, we just buy it every week and stock our shelves with it so we can show you what not to feed your dog.]
    Me: Uh, yes.


    Caller: My dog has been vomiting up blood for the past 4 days. Is this something he needs to see the doctor about, or is there something I can give him at home?
    [Use common sense, fool! What the fuck do you think you can give him from your medicine cabinet that's gonna fix that shit? I'm calling the humane society on your stupid ass.]
    Me: You need to bring him in immediately.


    Caller: A friend told me that your facility does pet cremations. Is that correct?
    Me: Yes, ma'am.
    Caller: My cat died last night. How much does it cost to cremate a cat?
    Me: $175.
    Caller: Here's the problem... I live over an hour from your clinic, and it's gonna be a real inconvenience for me to bring my cat to you. Would it be okay if I mailed him to you?
    [Are you so overcome with grief that you've absolutely lost your mind? I don't think that's even legal!]
    Me: No ma'am. That's not a good idea. What if the package got lost or damaged?
    Caller: So what do I do if I can't get him to you?
    [Have you got a grill?]
    Me: I guess bury him in the backyard. I'm sorry.

    I get numerous calls like these every week. I'll keep you updated.

    Sorry, Mom, this ain't 'Little House on the Prairie'

    Now that the mushy crap is out of the way, it's time to commence with the bitching.

    Last night I was discussing wedding plans with my mom. I was talking about wedding gowns and how I haven't really found one yet (by the time Matt and I get married, I will be around 5 months pregnant... but that's another story). Dear old Mom says to me, "I hope you're not thinking of wearing a white dress." I love this woman, and I know she means well, but it was pretty damn hard to contain my anger at that comment. Granted, this is my second marriage, and yes, I will be a pregnant bride, but that doesn't make me the town tramp.

    Ya know, I don't give a fuck about tradition at this point. If I want to walk down the aisle in a bikini with Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" playing in the background, then I will do just that! After all, who really gives a shit?

    How many girls do you know that were really virgins on their wedding day, anyway?!?!? Get over it, Mom.

    Before you die, you see the ring

    This is now my second attempt at starting a blog. Although I'm not really that interested, I agreed to give it a try so that Matt would get off of my ass.

    I am now "officially" engaged. Check out the fat diamond on the right! It's much prettier in real life -- my craphole digital camera doesn't do it justice. It's one carat set in platinum, made sometime during the 1930s.

    It's about time we were engaged, since we are getting married next month. Matt gave me the ring Saturday night. It was a very romantic moment, even though I was wearing a hideous green wig and a witch's hat at the time. We were getting ready to go to a costume party, and before we walked out the door he told me he had something to go with my witch costume. When he handed me the ring it was so hard to avoid crying, but I didn't want to mess up my makeup. That may sound really lame, but it takes a lot of work to get that witch face just right!